Tag: poetry

From The First Day We Spoke

Typically a man expresses self-confidence and assurance in an early conversation with a prospective online match. Most women I know are attracted to this quality, and I had fallen for that brand of Alpha male myself plenty of times over the years. So when Jim told me that first night, “ I have a lot of self-doubt, : and said, “ I worry that I’m not a good enough man,” I might have turned and run; in fact I felt an impulse to do so. I suppose others would have too, though I am not sure that Jim had shared that level of self-disclosure with many. He could play the game of a successful San Francisco attorney, and he looked the part. He just never played it with me. 

From the first day we spoke, he told me the truth about himself. I did the same

The Best of Us, Joyce Maynard, page 17.18 

Learning from literature tool , creating existential maps and choosing to connect despite doubts are three pillars on which I help couples build their Couple-Bubble.

Learning from Literature: Jim (James Barringer-June 12-1952-June 16-2016)…

from the Best of Us- by Joyce Maynard

Jim and Joyce (Source-https://www.joycemaynard.com/the-best-of-us-21)

In the paragraph above, Jim is a mature man who instead of projecting an Alpha male personality, playing games, comes out as a person who is able to face the truth of his many facets with honesty and openness. This shapes the kind of man, and partner, he has become.

For those wanting to do a deeper dive into Learning from Jim– I would highly recommend this book, in which Jim talks openly about his failed first marriage, his long-term partnership with a colleague and how that relationship broke down as his children never accepted his partner, the changes in his life as he became associated with Joyce.

Their struggles with cancer, the medical system and the existential map are described in nuanced detail by the author.

Earlier Perspectives: Nuances and Lessons from the Dying-about Life and Living

It reminded me of another book on struggles with cancer, written by Paul Kalanithi – when breath becomes air- which I had discussed in a book club in 2019.

When Breath Becomes air-by Paul Kalanithi (discussed in Feb 2019 book club)

Creating the Couple Bubble-Choosing Connection over Doubt

In our work with those struggling with communication in intimate relations, we use Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development to develop a framework of choosing connection versus distancing. 

Connection will lead to creation of a Couple Bubble in which both partners affirm each other, rather than a distancing pattern of blaming, hiding behind Victimhood and Self Righteousness.

Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development are

  • Trust vs. Mistrust. Age developed: Birth to 18 months. …
  • Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt. …
  • Initiative vs. Guilt. …
  • Industry vs. Inferiority. …
  • Identity vs. Confusion. …
  • Intimacy vs. Isolation. …
  • Generativity vs. Stagnation. …
  • Integrity vs. Despair.

Jadoo-Jail-Jao Yahan se…

(Black Magic-Incarceration-Return

variations in South Asian Immigrant Community)

Intimacy or lack of it, is linked to demon dialogues like- His family has done Kala Jadoo- Black Magic and is adversely affecting our relationship.

I tell such persons, who are sticking to their guns that while I do not know much about Black Magic, I can see some forms of Black and White Thinking in these dialogues.

Black and White thinking- is a form of Cognitive Distortion which is judgmental, stems from overthinking, all or none, emotional reasoning, discounting the positive and lack of openness to see the habits of the head and heart which keep us in negativity, isolation and blame-victim mode.

Choosing Intimacy, Not Isolation

Themes: Core of Intimacy vs. Isolation.

If one is practicing a program of recovery, one will see doubts as hindrances and in a calm, confident, clear manner see where black and white judgmental tones are hindering the couple-bubble.

In session this may look like this:

Therapist frame: “Love is not the absence of doubt—it is choosing connection despite doubt.”

Exercise: Couples practice Existential Dialogue:

Partner A says: “One fear I carry is that this talk of Black Magic is eroding my sense of safety

Partner B responds only with: 

Here one can go two ways- the Blame Mode or the Responsibility mode

Blame Mode- You are under the spell of your mother, family of origin and ignore me and this black magic is affecting my health, sleep and sense of future

Responsibility mode: I hear you, understand how this may make you feel uneasy. May you be safe and happy. 

Agreeing to take a time out, mindful pause when things are escalating into negativity, can be a form of Self Care and Relationship care.

Existential Framework:

Intimacy versus Isolation is the psychosocial stage which in this period of uncertainty can challenge the Couple-Bubble- where instead of looking out to see the obstacles of intimacy, trust, each partner becomes caught in Black and White, Us versus Them thinking which is a gateway to Mistrust, lack of faith in the relationship and the trend to going their separate ways. Research documents and contextualizes longevity of relationships in 21st century. 

Altruism and Shared values are key ingredients for maintaining relationships in a challenging society.

Discussion: Explore how parenting vision, family vision and miscarriages and uncertainty make one retreat into isolation (avoiding intimacy, emotional distance).

Existential Reframe: Intimacy is about standing side by side in uncertainty.

Homework Suggestions: 

Routines of Service Eg-Asking and listening how each other’s day went

Rhythms of Togetherness Evening tea, nature walk together, a shared meal

Reading and discussing a book together 

(would highly recommend -The Best of Us) 

Rituals of Intimacy Eye contact 5 minutes, Prayer-Chanting together

Drawing/painting a joint picture

https://maps.app.goo.gl/CYiqv2yiyzDzvq3t9

COUPLE BUBBLE

Exploring existential frameworks, life stages, the needs and feelings of each other and the consequences of having a long term committed relationship on one’s sense of self, future and relational safety are some ways to build a couple bubble.

In the next blog article we will discuss how to Establish and Secure a Couple Bubble.

As an additional tool to see one’s blind spots, the article on Johari Window and Patterns in Relationships can be helpful.

References

Heim, C., & Heim, C. (2023). “How did you stay together so long?” Relationship longevity, a cross‐generational qualitative study. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 49(4), 781-801.

Work sheet- Growing Together

Work sheet_ Growing TogetherDownload

Understanding the Lizard Within: Insights from Father’s Day

Around Father’s day,(2025) I went for lunch with a mentor, fellow traveler and confidante who has taught me many things over the years.

One of the things he helped me conceptualize is the “Lizard”.

 “ I have a lizard in myself, which tells me that these programs of recovery, therapy, 12 steps, meditation and gratitudes are not going to work for me. The lizard takes me to dark places, which sabotage my safety, serenity and self-worth.”

Mevame Again

We sat at Mevame again (Rutherford) and discussed things which we would not discuss in a recovery meeting in front of others.

Many years ago, a senior fellow told me that though the fellowships are supposed to be anonymous, within six months, people know many things, so one should be discrete as to what one shares.

Father’s Day walk

We went through the intergenerational issues, as he recalled his earlier years in Toronto, having been put in grade 3 instead of grade 5 where he should have been. The next year, he got a double promotion, as he did well academically.

He showed me a panorama of what life was in Toronto- Don Mills area in the 1950s/60s when he went to school. We got to current issues of his wife’s trip to Australia, how the lives of his daughters, the way their marriages have evolved has affected him and his sense of family.

Life in America-(From Number our Days- Barbara Myerhoff)

We discussed Number of Days, written by the cultural anthropologist Barbara Myerhoff, who studied a community of elderly Jews in the mid 1970s. This pioneering ethnographic work is an intimate chronicle of the lives of elderly Jewish Immigrants in Venice, California, particularly those associated with the Israel Levin Senior Center. Her work weaves storytelling, anthropology, and reflexivity to illuminate how identity, memory, and community persist and adapt in the face of aging, loss, and marginalization.

Application

In my work with marginalized and minoritized communities, I have worked with elderly persons from the Jewish community, South Asian and Asian elderly persons and also their caregivers. Caregiver burnout is an often neglected aspect which hurts the family dynamic.

2017- Spring walks- Port Credit-Lake Ontario- Earlier Perspectives – https://prashantbhatt.com/2017/03/22/every-object-has-a-story/

Every Object has a story- the work of Sara Angelucci-

Creative solutions: Needle and Thread

God’s greatest invention

A little needle

Humble, bright and quick,

A gift to Eve

To make us clothes,

She sews and takes us

From animals to people.

In Paradise what are we?

Pure nature, without inventions.

Not yet born,

Until a needle

Makes us into me.

“These are a tailor’s words. The poem, you see, I wrote in Jewish. That is because Jewish is the right language for the sweatshop. Not Hebrew- too elevated. Not French- too refined. Not Polist-too robust. Only Jewish could express a tailor’s thoughts in America, working with his needle. (Page 69,70; Number our Days, Barbara Myerhoff)

Remembering Father’s Day Walk-Malta 2012

This conversation in Rutherford – Maple, Greater Toronto Area reminded me of a walk with a senior of the Maltese Indian community in 2012. He graciously invited us for lunch, recalled his family and community journeys from India, East Africa to Southern Europe and how things have evolved over the decades. Every journey has its surprises. After a session of Yoga at the Community centre at San Gjwann, we went for lunch at Valletta and then he took us for a walk through a cemetery where some of the community elders have been laid to rest.

Malta-2012

Father’s day walk

Readings and Reflections-Connection with Culture and Community:

Kariya Park-Mississauga-June 2025

A Teacher’s Prayer

The boy who was once demoted to grade 3, eventually became a teacher, and influenced many lives. Apart from teaching many about the steps of recovery, he also gave me the gift of a Teacher’s Prayer.

“As a teacher, I can influence the lives of students. So I have to take extra care. One remark can do a lot of damage to a teenager already struggling with self-esteem and confidence issues,” he told me as we ended our lunch meeting.

We will meet again.

You can download Lizard Worksheet here- 

WS- Lizard Jun 2025Download