Tag: Intersectionality

Understanding the Lizard Within: Insights from Father’s Day

Around Father’s day,(2025) I went for lunch with a mentor, fellow traveler and confidante who has taught me many things over the years.

One of the things he helped me conceptualize is the “Lizard”.

 “ I have a lizard in myself, which tells me that these programs of recovery, therapy, 12 steps, meditation and gratitudes are not going to work for me. The lizard takes me to dark places, which sabotage my safety, serenity and self-worth.”

Mevame Again

We sat at Mevame again (Rutherford) and discussed things which we would not discuss in a recovery meeting in front of others.

Many years ago, a senior fellow told me that though the fellowships are supposed to be anonymous, within six months, people know many things, so one should be discrete as to what one shares.

Father’s Day walk

We went through the intergenerational issues, as he recalled his earlier years in Toronto, having been put in grade 3 instead of grade 5 where he should have been. The next year, he got a double promotion, as he did well academically.

He showed me a panorama of what life was in Toronto- Don Mills area in the 1950s/60s when he went to school. We got to current issues of his wife’s trip to Australia, how the lives of his daughters, the way their marriages have evolved has affected him and his sense of family.

Life in America-(From Number our Days- Barbara Myerhoff)

We discussed Number of Days, written by the cultural anthropologist Barbara Myerhoff, who studied a community of elderly Jews in the mid 1970s. This pioneering ethnographic work is an intimate chronicle of the lives of elderly Jewish Immigrants in Venice, California, particularly those associated with the Israel Levin Senior Center. Her work weaves storytelling, anthropology, and reflexivity to illuminate how identity, memory, and community persist and adapt in the face of aging, loss, and marginalization.

Application

In my work with marginalized and minoritized communities, I have worked with elderly persons from the Jewish community, South Asian and Asian elderly persons and also their caregivers. Caregiver burnout is an often neglected aspect which hurts the family dynamic.

2017- Spring walks- Port Credit-Lake Ontario- Earlier Perspectives – https://prashantbhatt.com/2017/03/22/every-object-has-a-story/

Every Object has a story- the work of Sara Angelucci-

Creative solutions: Needle and Thread

God’s greatest invention

A little needle

Humble, bright and quick,

A gift to Eve

To make us clothes,

She sews and takes us

From animals to people.

In Paradise what are we?

Pure nature, without inventions.

Not yet born,

Until a needle

Makes us into me.

“These are a tailor’s words. The poem, you see, I wrote in Jewish. That is because Jewish is the right language for the sweatshop. Not Hebrew- too elevated. Not French- too refined. Not Polist-too robust. Only Jewish could express a tailor’s thoughts in America, working with his needle. (Page 69,70; Number our Days, Barbara Myerhoff)

Remembering Father’s Day Walk-Malta 2012

This conversation in Rutherford – Maple, Greater Toronto Area reminded me of a walk with a senior of the Maltese Indian community in 2012. He graciously invited us for lunch, recalled his family and community journeys from India, East Africa to Southern Europe and how things have evolved over the decades. Every journey has its surprises. After a session of Yoga at the Community centre at San Gjwann, we went for lunch at Valletta and then he took us for a walk through a cemetery where some of the community elders have been laid to rest.

Malta-2012

Father’s day walk

Readings and Reflections-Connection with Culture and Community:

Kariya Park-Mississauga-June 2025

A Teacher’s Prayer

The boy who was once demoted to grade 3, eventually became a teacher, and influenced many lives. Apart from teaching many about the steps of recovery, he also gave me the gift of a Teacher’s Prayer.

“As a teacher, I can influence the lives of students. So I have to take extra care. One remark can do a lot of damage to a teenager already struggling with self-esteem and confidence issues,” he told me as we ended our lunch meeting.

We will meet again.

You can download Lizard Worksheet here- 

WS- Lizard Jun 2025Download

Johari Window: To work through Prejudices and Presumptions

The Johari window tells about the open, hidden,blind, unknown aspects of self and is used by me to collaborate with clients to examine areas of communication, commitment and conflict.University of California psychologists Joseph Luft (1916–2014) and Harrington Ingham (1916–1995) helped conceptualize a model which helps see an individual’s position in and their relationships and interactions with others in a group (Spennemann, 2023).

  One exercise I encourage is to write a letter – to a loved one who has passed away- using the structure of the Johari Window and see how life changes, what things about oneself, relationships and society one can see after doing this exercise.

Case Scenario: A client in his thirties came to me with feelings of unease after having ended a decade long marriage, gone into another relationship which he broke up, and is now in a live-in relationship with another person, but has intrusive thoughts about his previous relationships.

Psychotherapy is a form of caring which is different from psychiatry (which has become a titration of medicines) and will help see the forces, factors, DNA and development in a compassionate manner. As Carl Rogers said- “ The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

Application– Through Transcript and Johari Window Exercises.

Transcript of Session.


Client  ( C) : I cannot put my finger on it, but I have been feeling a bit off

Therapist (T-PB) : Is it a feeling of unease or tiredness or both

C- Unease about some memories of the previous relationships

T-PB: Is there a part of that joint energy which informs the present relationships.

C- Yes. Though they should not be coming up, I have to admit that these offsetting memories are coming up.

T-PB- Let us revisit our previous collaboration to examine the open and hidden shoulds which drive one’s thinking.

C- What purpose does that serve

T-PB- It is one of the tools one can use to deconstruct internal dialogue or interpersonal communications and create a safe space, structure and observer mind.


Psychoeducation Point: Open or Hidden Shoulds can be a road to Cognitive distortions which can be emotionally exhausting (you can download worksheet below)

Johari Window Exercises 

  The open self- what is known to both myself and others- can be truths which are undeniable over time, how they affected my relationships, especially with those I hurt, and what parts of me remained consistent and genuine. These can serve as a means to explore the personal and interpersonal dynamics, how they affect identity, isolation, meaning and freedom.

For example

C- We came together when we were in our teens. Despite her parents having warned her about me, she chose to be with me. However, around seven years after our marriage, we started drifting apart, staying together like hostel room members, avoiding any deeper discussion.

T-PB: How would she write about this phase?

This brings us to the blind self- what others can see, but I deny, or cannot see.

C- she would probably tell that I was aloof, got too busy in my work, started spending more time with my friends and was irritable when her family came to visit.

Th-PB- Did she try to mirror these aspects of your lived reality? 

C-She did try to point out, but I was not open to these suggestions. At times I was very volatile, which made her shut down. Then we both got busy with our work, created our own separate friend circles and drifted apart.

Th-PB- Knowing what you know now, can you look back and see how your body language, tone, omissions affected the relationship?

C- It led to a feeling of loneliness, misunderstanding and feeling stifled. 

T-PB: Did it lead to fear, confusion, entitlement 

This leads one to the Hidden Self- What one knows but keeps hidden

C- Yes, it led to confusion and led me astray from my commitment to this relationship. There was a sense of shame as she had supported me in my very difficult teenage years. There was a sense of rejection as we became aloof and I started seeking emotional nurturing from others.

T-PB: What truths did you hide from yourself and others?

C- I cloaked these outside relationships by deflecting questions of where I was spending my time and with whom. I also started developing a sense of entitlement by blaming my partner for these secrets.

T-PB -Is there any pattern in your family of origin which you can see repeating?

C-I never thought about it like this, but that could be an area of enquiry

We agreed to journal about this and discuss as appropriate. This helped us to see the Unknown Self (not known to others and me, what I am only discovering now)

In next sessions we discussed themes of communication, how feelings were discussed or avoided in family of origin and how these truths were handled. To assist this exercise we did the Family Dinner in Childhood Exercise (an adaptation of Family Sculpting Tool suggested by Alfred Adler- see worksheet below)

C- A day in the life of the family, a dinner together led to some old wounds reopening.

T-PB: Therapy can get uneasy and difficult before things get better. 

C-(smiling): Yes, I understand that process, but I needed to look at some buried issues which have been coming up in the way I communicate my needs and feelings.

T-PB: What cultural contexts did you revisit?

C- That was a different time, my parents had freshly moved to Canada. The stress of shifting and still having ties, pulls from the parent culture were telling on their relationship. Being stuck in survival level manual labour jobs added to their burdens.

T-PB: Can you now see the spaces which they had to navigate differently? What strengths are you building by going through this process?

..

Comments: 

  I first came to know of the Johari window during a training session with my supervisor. She taught me to see things from different hats, and at times not put on any hat (my own prejudices and presumptions) and just walk along with the client, see the world as they see it. 

This led me to sit in cafes near the community housing of Black Creek areas where living poor, working rough is common. I would visit a client weekly during my training, and help her navigate her reality, widowed in 2019 just before Covid19, institutionalized in 2022, having a teenage daughter back home in Ghana, separated from her pre-teen son in Toronto. The Johari window helped me see the relational dynamics and my own areas for growth.

Psychotherapy is a form of caring which is different from psychiatry (which has become a titration of medicines) and will help see the forces, factors, DNA and development in a compassionate manner. As Carl Rogers said- “ The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” 

References

Spennemann, D. H. (2023). The usefulness of the Johari Window for the Cultural Heritage Planning Process. Heritage, 6(1), 724-741.

JOHARI WINDOW WORKSHEET

WS Worksheet- Johari Window 2025 4Download

Sissified

Gendered Socialisation Navigating Alexithymia in Immigrant Families

Boys are taught to value and lead to certain parts of them. Girls are taught to do the same but with other parts.Boys were nurtured by their caretaker, till around 4-5 years, and then for fear of being “sissified” they were wrenched away and may even be shamed for showing emotions. 

Schwartz, 2023

In the cultural context of immigrant families in North America, I found many men who are unable to express and explore their emotions.

Case scenario: Relationships, Un-Manliness and Cultural Messaging

 Tanmay (a composite), a 27 year old graduate student, struggling after the break up of his second online relationship came to me feeling uncertain, confused and hesitant to restart another relationship. As we went into his family of origin to see for underlying patterns, he told of how his parents stayed in the Middle East before shifting the family to Canada, while the father continued to earn and support the Canadian journey. This is a common theme found in Subcontinent origin families. As we went into the way emotions were expressed (or suppressed) in the family, the dynamic of a long distance parent, the emotional instability with no proper economic roots in this society came forward.

Themes around “un-manliness” and what it is to be the “typical male” came up.

Terry Real, in his book,  I don’t want to talk about (1998) talked about difficulty with intimacy, workaholism, alcoholism, abusive behaviour and rage as being failed solutions to escape depression.

The Toronto Alexithymia Scale  can get one started on becoming aware of the patterns and messages which one has imbibed

Alexithymia and Immigrant journeys

Coined by Peter Sifneos in 1973, the term comes from Greek roots meaning “no words for emotions.” Alexithymia is often observed in various psychological, medical conditions and in the context of immigrant families can be experienced in varying degrees depending on the level of assimilation, marginalisation, integration and separation. (Akhtar, 2010; Sifneos, 1973)

Therapeutic Process: Third Wave-Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) approaches like Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT) with focus on emotional awareness and expression can be useful in addressing these issues

For example

  1. Journal of Emotions: T was encouraged to keep a journal where he noted daily events and attempted to label his feelings associated with those events.

The story of how emotions were expressed in his family of origin was started by making some jottings on how he remembers his own parents relating to his grandparents. These cultural messages can be more nuanced as we see the effect of immigration and the early years (first three to five years in Canadian society are very difficult, especially for de-credentialied professionals who try to make it through using labour market or delivery jobs)

  1. Mindfulness Practices: Polyvagal theory informed approaches will help tune to one’s internal states, aiding in the recognition of subtle emotional cues.

The polyvagal journal will be aware of the dorsal vagal (freeze), sympathetic (fight , fright) and the ventral vagal (social, tend, befriend) and use this format to be more aware of one’s tendencies (Dana,2020)

  1. Psychoeducation: Awareness of emotions, their importance, and how to recognize different emotional states in himself and others can lead us to a life of greater connection and fulfilment.

References

Akhtar, S. (2010). Immigration and acculturation: Mourning, adaptation, and the next generation. Jason Aronson.

Dana, D. (2020). Polyvagal exercises for safety and connection: 50 client-centered practices (Norton series on interpersonal neurobiology). WW Norton & Company.

Real, T. (1998). I don’t want to talk about it: Overcoming the secret legacy of male depression. Simon and Schuster.

Schwartz, R. (2023). You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships. Sounds True.

Sifneos, P. E. (1973). The prevalence of ‘alexithymic’ characteristics in psychosomatic patients. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 22(2-6), 255-262.