empathy – Candlestick Counselling and Psychotherapy Services

From The First Day We Spoke

Typically a man expresses self-confidence and assurance in an early conversation with a prospective online match. Most women I know are attracted to this quality, and I had fallen for that brand of Alpha male myself plenty of times over the years. So when Jim told me that first night, “ I have a lot of self-doubt, : and said, “ I worry that I’m not a good enough man,” I might have turned and run; in fact I felt an impulse to do so. I suppose others would have too, though I am not sure that Jim had shared that level of self-disclosure with many. He could play the game of a successful San Francisco attorney, and he looked the part. He just never played it with me.

From the first day we spoke, he told me the truth about himself. I did the same

The Best of Us, Joyce Maynard, page 17.18

Learning from literature tool , creating existential maps and choosing to connect despite doubts are three pillars on which I help couples build their Couple-Bubble.

Learning from Literature: Jim (James Barringer-June 12-1952-June 16-2016)…

from the Best of Us- by Joyce Maynard

Jim and Joyce (Source-https://www.joycemaynard.com/the-best-of-us-21)

In the paragraph above, Jim is a mature man who instead of projecting an Alpha male personality, playing games, comes out as a person who is able to face the truth of his many facets with honesty and openness. This shapes the kind of man, and partner, he has become.

For those wanting to do a deeper dive into Learning from Jim– I would highly recommend this book, in which Jim talks openly about his failed first marriage, his long-term partnership with a colleague and how that relationship broke down as his children never accepted his partner, the changes in his life as he became associated with Joyce.

Their struggles with cancer, the medical system and the existential map are described in nuanced detail by the author.

Earlier Perspectives: Nuances and Lessons from the Dying-about Life and Living

It reminded me of another book on struggles with cancer, written by Paul Kalanithi – when breath becomes air- which I had discussed in a book club in 2019.

When Breath Becomes air-by Paul Kalanithi (discussed in Feb 2019 book club)

Creating the Couple Bubble-Choosing Connection over Doubt

In our work with those struggling with communication in intimate relations, we use Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development to develop a framework of choosing connection versus distancing.

Connection will lead to creation of a Couple Bubble in which both partners affirm each other, rather than a distancing pattern of blaming, hiding behind Victimhood and Self Righteousness.

Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development are

Trust vs. Mistrust. Age developed: Birth to 18 months. …
Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt. …
Initiative vs. Guilt. …
Industry vs. Inferiority. …
Identity vs. Confusion. …
Intimacy vs. Isolation. …
Generativity vs. Stagnation. …
Integrity vs. Despair.

Jadoo-Jail-Jao Yahan se…

(Black Magic-Incarceration-Return

variations in South Asian Immigrant Community)

Intimacy or lack of it, is linked to demon dialogues like- His family has done Kala Jadoo- Black Magic and is adversely affecting our relationship.

I tell such persons, who are sticking to their guns that while I do not know much about Black Magic, I can see some forms of Black and White Thinking in these dialogues.

Black and White thinking- is a form of Cognitive Distortion which is judgmental, stems from overthinking, all or none, emotional reasoning, discounting the positive and lack of openness to see the habits of the head and heart which keep us in negativity, isolation and blame-victim mode.

Choosing Intimacy, Not Isolation

Themes: Core of Intimacy vs. Isolation.

If one is practicing a program of recovery, one will see doubts as hindrances and in a calm, confident, clear manner see where black and white judgmental tones are hindering the couple-bubble.

In session this may look like this:

Therapist frame: “Love is not the absence of doubt—it is choosing connection despite doubt.”

Exercise: Couples practice Existential Dialogue:

Partner A says: “One fear I carry is that this talk of Black Magic is eroding my sense of safety

Partner B responds only with:

Here one can go two ways- the Blame Mode or the Responsibility mode

Blame Mode- You are under the spell of your mother, family of origin and ignore me and this black magic is affecting my health, sleep and sense of future

Responsibility mode: I hear you, understand how this may make you feel uneasy. May you be safe and happy.

Agreeing to take a time out, mindful pause when things are escalating into negativity, can be a form of Self Care and Relationship care.

Existential Framework:

Intimacy versus Isolation is the psychosocial stage which in this period of uncertainty can challenge the Couple-Bubble- where instead of looking out to see the obstacles of intimacy, trust, each partner becomes caught in Black and White, Us versus Them thinking which is a gateway to Mistrust, lack of faith in the relationship and the trend to going their separate ways. Research documents and contextualizes longevity of relationships in 21st century.

Altruism and Shared values are key ingredients for maintaining relationships in a challenging society.

Discussion: Explore how parenting vision, family vision and miscarriages and uncertainty make one retreat into isolation (avoiding intimacy, emotional distance).

Existential Reframe: Intimacy is about standing side by side in uncertainty.

Homework Suggestions:

Routines of Service Eg-Asking and listening how each other’s day went

Rhythms of Togetherness Evening tea, nature walk together, a shared meal

Reading and discussing a book together

(would highly recommend -The Best of Us)

Rituals of Intimacy Eye contact 5 minutes, Prayer-Chanting together

Drawing/painting a joint picture

https://maps.app.goo.gl/CYiqv2yiyzDzvq3t9

COUPLE BUBBLE

Exploring existential frameworks, life stages, the needs and feelings of each other and the consequences of having a long term committed relationship on one’s sense of self, future and relational safety are some ways to build a couple bubble.

In the next blog article we will discuss how to Establish and Secure a Couple Bubble.

As an additional tool to see one’s blind spots, the article on Johari Window and Patterns in Relationships can be helpful.

References

Heim, C., & Heim, C. (2023). “How did you stay together so long?” Relationship longevity, a cross‐generational qualitative study. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 49(4), 781-801.

Work sheet- Growing Together

Work sheet_ Growing Together Download

Johari Window: To work through Prejudices and Presumptions

The Johari window tells about the open, hidden,blind, unknown aspects of self and is used by me to collaborate with clients to examine areas of communication, commitment and conflict.University of California psychologists Joseph Luft (1916–2014) and Harrington Ingham (1916–1995) helped conceptualize a model which helps see an individual’s position in and their relationships and interactions with others in a group (Spennemann, 2023).

One exercise I encourage is to write a letter – to a loved one who has passed away- using the structure of the Johari Window and see how life changes, what things about oneself, relationships and society one can see after doing this exercise.

Case Scenario: A client in his thirties came to me with feelings of unease after having ended a decade long marriage, gone into another relationship which he broke up, and is now in a live-in relationship with another person, but has intrusive thoughts about his previous relationships.

Psychotherapy is a form of caring which is different from psychiatry (which has become a titration of medicines) and will help see the forces, factors, DNA and development in a compassionate manner. As Carl Rogers said- “ The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

Application– Through Transcript and Johari Window Exercises.

Transcript of Session.

Client ( C) : I cannot put my finger on it, but I have been feeling a bit off

Therapist (T-PB) : Is it a feeling of unease or tiredness or both

C- Unease about some memories of the previous relationships

T-PB: Is there a part of that joint energy which informs the present relationships.

C- Yes. Though they should not be coming up, I have to admit that these offsetting memories are coming up.

T-PB- Let us revisit our previous collaboration to examine the open and hidden shoulds which drive one’s thinking.

C- What purpose does that serve

T-PB- It is one of the tools one can use to deconstruct internal dialogue or interpersonal communications and create a safe space, structure and observer mind.

Psychoeducation Point: Open or Hidden Shoulds can be a road to Cognitive distortions which can be emotionally exhausting (you can download worksheet below)

Johari Window Exercises

The open self- what is known to both myself and others- can be truths which are undeniable over time, how they affected my relationships, especially with those I hurt, and what parts of me remained consistent and genuine. These can serve as a means to explore the personal and interpersonal dynamics, how they affect identity, isolation, meaning and freedom.

For example

C- We came together when we were in our teens. Despite her parents having warned her about me, she chose to be with me. However, around seven years after our marriage, we started drifting apart, staying together like hostel room members, avoiding any deeper discussion.

T-PB: How would she write about this phase?

This brings us to the blind self- what others can see, but I deny, or cannot see.

C- she would probably tell that I was aloof, got too busy in my work, started spending more time with my friends and was irritable when her family came to visit.

Th-PB- Did she try to mirror these aspects of your lived reality?

C-She did try to point out, but I was not open to these suggestions. At times I was very volatile, which made her shut down. Then we both got busy with our work, created our own separate friend circles and drifted apart.

Th-PB- Knowing what you know now, can you look back and see how your body language, tone, omissions affected the relationship?

C- It led to a feeling of loneliness, misunderstanding and feeling stifled.

T-PB: Did it lead to fear, confusion, entitlement

This leads one to the Hidden Self- What one knows but keeps hidden

C- Yes, it led to confusion and led me astray from my commitment to this relationship. There was a sense of shame as she had supported me in my very difficult teenage years. There was a sense of rejection as we became aloof and I started seeking emotional nurturing from others.

T-PB: What truths did you hide from yourself and others?

C- I cloaked these outside relationships by deflecting questions of where I was spending my time and with whom. I also started developing a sense of entitlement by blaming my partner for these secrets.

T-PB -Is there any pattern in your family of origin which you can see repeating?

C-I never thought about it like this, but that could be an area of enquiry

We agreed to journal about this and discuss as appropriate. This helped us to see the Unknown Self (not known to others and me, what I am only discovering now)

In next sessions we discussed themes of communication, how feelings were discussed or avoided in family of origin and how these truths were handled. To assist this exercise we did the Family Dinner in Childhood Exercise (an adaptation of Family Sculpting Tool suggested by Alfred Adler- see worksheet below)

C- A day in the life of the family, a dinner together led to some old wounds reopening.

T-PB: Therapy can get uneasy and difficult before things get better.

C-(smiling): Yes, I understand that process, but I needed to look at some buried issues which have been coming up in the way I communicate my needs and feelings.

T-PB: What cultural contexts did you revisit?

C- That was a different time, my parents had freshly moved to Canada. The stress of shifting and still having ties, pulls from the parent culture were telling on their relationship. Being stuck in survival level manual labour jobs added to their burdens.

T-PB: Can you now see the spaces which they had to navigate differently? What strengths are you building by going through this process?

Comments:

I first came to know of the Johari window during a training session with my supervisor. She taught me to see things from different hats, and at times not put on any hat (my own prejudices and presumptions) and just walk along with the client, see the world as they see it.

This led me to sit in cafes near the community housing of Black Creek areas where living poor, working rough is common. I would visit a client weekly during my training, and help her navigate her reality, widowed in 2019 just before Covid19, institutionalized in 2022, having a teenage daughter back home in Ghana, separated from her pre-teen son in Toronto. The Johari window helped me see the relational dynamics and my own areas for growth.

Psychotherapy is a form of caring which is different from psychiatry (which has become a titration of medicines) and will help see the forces, factors, DNA and development in a compassionate manner. As Carl Rogers said- “ The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

References

Spennemann, D. H. (2023). The usefulness of the Johari Window for the Cultural Heritage Planning Process. Heritage, 6(1), 724-741.

JOHARI WINDOW WORKSHEET

WS Worksheet- Johari Window 2025 4 Download

Sissified

Gendered Socialisation Navigating Alexithymia in Immigrant Families

Boys are taught to value and lead to certain parts of them. Girls are taught to do the same but with other parts.Boys were nurtured by their caretaker, till around 4-5 years, and then for fear of being “sissified” they were wrenched away and may even be shamed for showing emotions.

Schwartz, 2023

In the cultural context of immigrant families in North America, I found many men who are unable to express and explore their emotions.

Case scenario: Relationships, Un-Manliness and Cultural Messaging

Tanmay (a composite), a 27 year old graduate student, struggling after the break up of his second online relationship came to me feeling uncertain, confused and hesitant to restart another relationship. As we went into his family of origin to see for underlying patterns, he told of how his parents stayed in the Middle East before shifting the family to Canada, while the father continued to earn and support the Canadian journey. This is a common theme found in Subcontinent origin families. As we went into the way emotions were expressed (or suppressed) in the family, the dynamic of a long distance parent, the emotional instability with no proper economic roots in this society came forward.

Themes around “un-manliness” and what it is to be the “typical male” came up.

Terry Real, in his book, I don’t want to talk about (1998) talked about difficulty with intimacy, workaholism, alcoholism, abusive behaviour and rage as being failed solutions to escape depression.

The Toronto Alexithymia Scale can get one started on becoming aware of the patterns and messages which one has imbibed

Alexithymia and Immigrant journeys

Coined by Peter Sifneos in 1973, the term comes from Greek roots meaning “no words for emotions.” Alexithymia is often observed in various psychological, medical conditions and in the context of immigrant families can be experienced in varying degrees depending on the level of assimilation, marginalisation, integration and separation. (Akhtar, 2010; Sifneos, 1973)

Therapeutic Process: Third Wave-Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) approaches like Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT) with focus on emotional awareness and expression can be useful in addressing these issues

For example

Journal of Emotions: T was encouraged to keep a journal where he noted daily events and attempted to label his feelings associated with those events.

The story of how emotions were expressed in his family of origin was started by making some jottings on how he remembers his own parents relating to his grandparents. These cultural messages can be more nuanced as we see the effect of immigration and the early years (first three to five years in Canadian society are very difficult, especially for de-credentialied professionals who try to make it through using labour market or delivery jobs)

Mindfulness Practices: Polyvagal theory informed approaches will help tune to one’s internal states, aiding in the recognition of subtle emotional cues.

The polyvagal journal will be aware of the dorsal vagal (freeze), sympathetic (fight , fright) and the ventral vagal (social, tend, befriend) and use this format to be more aware of one’s tendencies (Dana,2020)

Psychoeducation: Awareness of emotions, their importance, and how to recognize different emotional states in himself and others can lead us to a life of greater connection and fulfilment.

References

Akhtar, S. (2010). Immigration and acculturation: Mourning, adaptation, and the next generation. Jason Aronson.

Dana, D. (2020). Polyvagal exercises for safety and connection: 50 client-centered practices (Norton series on interpersonal neurobiology). WW Norton & Company.

Real, T. (1998). I don’t want to talk about it: Overcoming the secret legacy of male depression. Simon and Schuster.

Schwartz, R. (2023). You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships. Sounds True.

Sifneos, P. E. (1973). The prevalence of ‘alexithymic’ characteristics in psychosomatic patients. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 22(2-6), 255-262.