Look for her among her friends- a suggestion by Irvin Yalom, in his book “Staring at the Sun” set me down memory lane. I encourage this to clients suffering from grief. The book tells how self-disclosure can be used to further the therapeutic collaboration.
Recognize, Accept Investigate Non judgment and Mr.Anger
As the anniversary of his mother came, he called his mother in law now in her 80s. She was one of his mother’s good friends.
My friend told of the times when he was being told in subtle and not so subtle ways to not bother others.
Grief is a journey, and my friend Mr.A has helped me see many ways in which he has mapped his journey of grief.
One of the things he grieves is the loss of his home, which he built, in the 1990s, when his mother was alive. Now he goes to the same house, to do service, having spent many years in 12 step recovery. However, he did confide that there are uneasy moments when he is told to shape up or shape out, which does not go well for his self esteem and connection.
In the blog on Anger (Dragons or Donkeys) – we had gone through the different approaches to Anger using the classical CBT model- STOPP tools and the Narrative therapy tools of externalization, scaffolding conversations and remembering.
One year on, we did a review of the issues faced through the Grief lens – remembering his mother, who passed away from cancer.
Recognizing his mother’s educator voice within him has been an important part of his growth journey. He remembers the sacrifices, adjustments and nurturing which went in the early years of coming to Canada. She was a well established teacher in a leading school of Bombay (Now known as Mumbai). The best job she could get was that of a bank teller. Her husband, who was a leading marketing executive, became a security guard.
Accepting the hurts and how they are affecting his day, and using the mindfulness tool of going back to a time in his childhood when he had seen abuse in his family of origin became a powerful tool to become more aware of his patterns.
We made a movie – and went back to one of the parties of his childhood, when after the party there would be bitter arguments between his parents. “When I was small, I used to hide and was terrified by the arguing which sometimes became physically abusive,” he said, reliving those moments. We went into the four areas of mindfulness- the body, feelings, thoughts and principles. At his level as a ten year old, he could remember the freezing of the body, the confusion and fear, bitterness at how the evening gathering which was so pleasant had deteriorated to this mess and the principle of family foundation being violated while being there for the four children.
In the here and now, of the therapy session, we went through these in a safe space and he could see those patterns being repeated in the recent episode of being told to Shut Up or Get Out.
As we linked the family of origin issue, how that memory stays in his body, feelings, thoughts and what new knowledge he has gained through therapy, he smiled at the habits of his head and heart.
Humber Walks-July 2025: Etienne Brule Park, Old Mills area of Toronto has been one of my thinking places for many years. Here I meet trusted fellows and friends. One such friend told me about the grief of the passing away of his mother, when he was 19 years old, and how he then descended into a life of Drugging and Alcohol. Through a program of Recovery he has been sober for over three decades and helps carry the message of Recovery-One Day at a Time.
Post script: Later that week, he made a phone call to his mother in law, now in her 80s, who told him, when his marriage was getting over. “For me, you will always remain my son-in-law, no matter what happens between my daughter and you.” That moment of being valued served as a message of connection, hope and reconciliation in some of the darkest moments of his life.
Look for her among her friends, the principle came alive in a near and particular way for my friend.
References: Adapted from
Adler, A. (2014). Individual psychology. In An introduction to theories of personality (pp. 83-105). Psychology Press.
Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Mindful Therapist: A Clinician’s Guide to Mindsight and Neural Integration (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology). WW Norton & Company.
Yalom, I. D. (2008). Staring at the sun: Overcoming the terror of death. The Humanistic Psychologist, 36(3-4), 283-297.
Equanimity: Managing Anger -Comparing Narrative Therapy and CBT
I make myself rich by making my wants few
Henry David Thoreau
Modern man no longer communicates with the madman . . …
and expels from the memory all those imperfect words,
of no fixed syntax, spoken falteringly, in which the exchange, between madness and reason, was carried out.
Michel Foucalt, 1961, History of Madness
Foucalt: (15 October 1926 – 25 June 1984)History of Madness (1961)
In this article we discuss ways in which different approaches can benefit in defining an issue, taking the example of anger. Anger leads to loss of equanimity.
The word equanimity comes from Latin roots meaning “even” and “mind”. Holding what passes through your mind in spaciousness to stay in balance, moving beyond the reactive mode is achieved by Equanimity. The chain of expectations, desires, wants, are broken leading to alleviation of suffering.
The Madhouse (Spanish: Casa de locos) or Asylum (Spanish: Manicomio) Francisco Goya- 1812-1819
The following are some exercises which I have found useful in moving into Equanimity.
1- Write down ways in which one starts becoming less balanced.
A written record of the ways in which one starts going into the cycle of expectations, desires, wants, fears, greed, disgust can give a good opening into the habits of the heart and head. One way to sharpen this focus is to read a newspaper/news-site for 15 minutes and keep classifying under the headings of greed, fear, disgust the feelings evoked by the articles.
Spencer, the young boy who had the issue of soiling was told to characterize in near and particular terms, how this issue is affecting and ruling his life. His parents were told to characterize how this issue rules and ruins their lives. Then Spencer was asked to give a name to this issue of Soiling. He called it Mr.Mischief. They went on to relate to this issue in a particular rather than general manner, and in a near rather than distant way, thus helping define the boundaries and borders of the issue, get a better handle on it and define their relationship to the issue.
This example of Spencer, illustrates how to externalize and objectify an issue which is affecting one’s life, and then create a statement of position map, which can help one create a plan and monitor our process.
3- Creating personal examples : Balance of the Lotus
Eastern traditions see the Lotus flower as an embodiment of purity, enlightenment and rebirth. The balance between beauty and adversity are shown in the growth process of the Lotus, as it emerges above mud and water. It symbolizes harmonious balance between earthly struggles and divine purity.
Nature walks and creating living symbols of these experiences has been a way to enhance balance in my life.
4- Case Scenario: Anger seen through different counselling approaches (Narrative/CBT)
Mr. S, presents with anger, which has affected his work, relationships, standing in community
NARRATIVE THERAPY APPROACH
Externalize – The history of anger, as if it is a creature outside of oneself waiting to get inside you
Therapist Role-is on listening, accepting, non-judgmental, non-confrontational statements..to be like a Junior Partner, Investigative Journalist,
Imagery sees himself being taken away from grandson
Cognitions I am a middle aged man who is being deprived of my rights,
standing in unfair manner
Interpersonal angry at wife , sons, in-laws
Drugs takes alcohol to drown the pain
NARRATIVE THERAPY approach uses interventions like externalizing, metaphors, mapping to develop a near and particular relation with the issue.
Mr.S went into the history of anger, by asking to see it as a creature outside oneself who is thinking of ways to trick him into losing his calm. Mr.S told of his early years of immigration from Bombay, India to Canada, how he saw his mother being beaten by his alcoholic father, his being bullied in school. As he became a teenager, he stopped these things as best as he knew.The “Bullied became the Bully”. On being asked to give a name for Mr.Anger he came up with two metaphors. He first called Mr.Anger the “Dragon”. However, on reflection he said, “If I am still riding this creature and getting taken for a ride in my seventh decade of life, then I am riding a Mr.Donkey”.
After establishing rapport, agreeing that anger-related issues are worth exploring and addressing, we set about seeing how Mr.S has constructed his life around anger by
1- Externalizing anger
2- Deconstructing anger narratives
3- Re-authoring personal stories
4- Exploring values and intentions
5-Creating alternative responses
1- Externalizing anger
Encouraging Mr.S to treat Mr.Anger as a separate entity or character helped distance himself from anger and view it as something outside of his core identity. Be doing this he gained a new perspective on his anger, started seeing how his life would be without anger and create a map to challenge the dominance of anger in his life.
2- Deconstructing anger
We explored the stories and meanings Mr.S attaches to his anger. Through telling these stories we were able to examine the underlying beliefs, assumptions, and cultural influences that contribute to his anger. For example, as he recalled the weekend discussions which turned into angry arguments in his family of origin, he became more clear about how issues of safety, and the way to deal with un-ease through lashing out or suppressing became a dynamic in his life. This has in different forms played out in his family of creation, and he can now see this pattern even in his interactions with the in-laws of his sons. Deconstruction helped gain insight into the origins and maintenance of anger.
Scripting of the scenarios which continue to trouble him in is life in the present, helped develop alternative interpretations. Through role plays, we started developing better results.We refined these approaches through counselling and keeping an Anger Journal (He called it Riding with Mr.Donkey journal)
3- Reauthoring personal stories:
The scripts made through externalization,deconstruction tools above helped Mr.S gain the power to rewrite his narratives, explore alternative perspectives and be more aware of how his prejudices and projections are affecting his relationships. New stories began to emerge which offered new ways of understanding and creating his experiences.
Shifting from being defined by anger to seeing himself as capable of change and growth, and being a channel of peace, understanding, and kindness has helped Mr S and his family be very different from where they were a year ago.
4- Exploring values and intentions:
As Mr.S evolved from a “Head over Water” Survival level recovery to a more wholesome bigger version of himself, he began to examine his values and vulnerabilities, intentions and impact regarding anger. As we explored pivotal life moments, the purpose anger has served in his life, he changed his way of looking at his teenage years, and also his work, family and community. This led to a deeper understanding of his emotional experiences.
This exploration paved the way for aligning anger with personal values, he rebuilt his relationship with his estranged wife and children, and has started exploring healthier ways of expressing his needs, feelings, situations and story.
5- Creating alternative responses:
The list of alternative responses to Mr.Anger (Dragon/Donkey) helped challenge the dominant narrative that aggressive or destructive behaviours result from anger. He started developing new strategies to harness anger constructively. His strengths, resources, alternative stories enabled him to respond to anger in ways more in life with desired outcomes.
Key points and summary
Creating balance through understanding the borders and boundaries of an issue helps one come up with creative ways to enhance life. Through keeping a written record of the way issues like anger speak in one’s life, how they disturb equanimity, we saw two different approaches to this issue- a classic Cognitive Behavioural therapy (CBT) approach and a Narrative therapy approach (NT). Creating a positive journal of values, symbols and metaphors (Lotus, dragon, donkey, map, territory, journey) helped co-create better life options.
Exercise
Do you have an issue which you need to see through a different lens? Write how it has spoken to you in your life and discuss as appropriate. Alternatively, write a letter to the issue.
White, M. (1984). Pseudo-encopresis: From avalanche to victory, from vicious to virtuous cycles. Family Systems Medicine, 2(2), 150–160.https://doi.org/10.1037/h0091651
White, M. (2007). Maps of narrative practice. WW Norton & Company.
Modern man no longer communicates with the madman . .
. There is no common language, or rather, it no longer
exists……..The language of psychiatry, which is a monologue
Candlestick Counselling and Psychotherapy Services 