Look For Her Among Her Friends

Look for her among her friends- a suggestion by Irvin Yalom, in his book “Staring at the Sun” set me down memory lane. I encourage this to clients suffering from grief. The book tells how self-disclosure can be used to further the therapeutic collaboration.

Recognize, Accept Investigate Non judgment and Mr.Anger

As the anniversary of his mother came, he called his mother in law now in her 80s. She was one of his mother’s good friends.

My friend told of the times when he was being told in subtle and not so subtle ways to not bother others. 

Grief is a journey, and my friend Mr.A has helped me see many ways in which he has mapped his journey of grief. 

One of the things he grieves is the loss of his home, which he built, in the 1990s, when his mother was alive. Now he goes to the same house, to do service, having spent many years in 12 step recovery. However, he did confide that there are uneasy moments when he is told to shape up or shape out, which does not go well for his self esteem and connection.

In the blog on Anger (Dragons or Donkeys) – we had gone through the different approaches to Anger using the classical CBT model- STOPP tools and the Narrative therapy tools of externalization, scaffolding conversations and remembering.

One year on, we did a review of the issues faced through the Grief lens – remembering his mother, who passed away from cancer.

Recognizing his mother’s educator voice within him has been an important part of his growth journey. He remembers the sacrifices, adjustments and nurturing which went in the early years of coming to Canada. She was a well established teacher in a leading school of Bombay (Now known as Mumbai). The best job she could get was that of a bank teller. Her husband, who was a leading marketing executive, became a security guard.

Accepting the hurts and how they are affecting his day, and using the mindfulness tool of going back to a time in his childhood when he had seen abuse in his family of origin became a powerful tool to become more aware of his patterns.

We made a movie – and went back to one of the parties of his childhood, when after the party there would be bitter arguments between his parents. “When I was small, I used to hide and was terrified by the arguing which sometimes became physically abusive,” he said, reliving those moments. We went into the four areas of mindfulness- the body, feelings, thoughts and principles. At his level as a ten year old, he could remember the freezing of the body, the confusion and fear, bitterness at how the evening gathering which was so pleasant had deteriorated to this mess and the principle of family foundation being violated while being there for the four children. 

In the here and now, of the therapy session, we went through these in a safe space and he could see those patterns being repeated in the recent episode of being told to Shut Up or Get Out. 

As we linked the family of origin issue, how that memory stays in his body, feelings, thoughts and what new knowledge he has gained through therapy, he smiled at the habits of his head and heart.

Post script: Later that week, he made a phone call to his mother in law, now in her 80s, who told him, when his marriage was getting over. “For me, you will always remain my son-in-law, no matter what happens between my daughter and you.” That moment of being valued served as a message of connection, hope and reconciliation in some of the darkest moments of his life.

Look for her among her friends, the principle came alive in a near and particular way for my friend.

References: Adapted from

Adler, A. (2014). Individual psychology. In An introduction to theories of personality (pp. 83-105). Psychology Press.

Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Mindful Therapist: A Clinician’s Guide to Mindsight and Neural Integration (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology). WW Norton & Company.

Yalom, I. D. (2008). Staring at the sun: Overcoming the terror of death. The Humanistic Psychologist, 36(3-4), 283-297.